Soggy Shoes and Shaky Faith

After Mike’s difficulty early last week, the oncologist has decided to have a port inserted into Mike’s chest tomorrow. This way they won’t have to use the veins in his arms anymore. Please pray for all to go well. His next treatment starts on Sept. 4.

Mike is home! He is going to stay on injections of an anticoagulant indefinitely.

But the really good news is the oncologists looked at the chest scan that was done last night and told Mike that they could see a difference in his lymph nodes. The ones that are cancerous are markedly smaller than they were in July! Yay!!! 🙂

We are thanking God for this good report!

Mike was admitted to the hospital today. He had been having trouble with the vein in which the chemo was administered last week and he started having chest pains. The CT scan showed a pulmonary embolism in his right lung. We are still waiting on the results of the vascular ultrasound to see if there are any clots there.

Mike will be receiving shots of an anticoagulant every 12 hours and will be monitored. In a day or two, he should transition to an oral anticoagulant and come home. He will stay on that medication to prevent any more clots from developing.

Have you had a time in your life when it seemed like you were taking one hit after another? You were living the saying, “When it rains, it pours”. Well, that has been my life lately. Mike went for what was supposed to be a routine upper endoscopy and tumors were found. The tumors were biopsied and turned out to be cancer. Tests were done and we were told the cancer had spread. One hit after another.

Today, we found out that Mike is negative for HER2 and PDL1. This means that he is not eligible for immunotherapy treatments. This in no way changes his prognosis – it simply closes a few doors. But, for me, it was another prayer answered “no”. And, while I understand that God knows more than I and He can see what I cannot, it felt like another hit.

Perhaps, this news struck me as hard as it did because my dad died from melanoma this past Thursday. He told me two weeks ago there was nothing the doctors could do to contain his cancer any longer and that they thought he had until early September. In reality, he had two weeks. Another hit. I have now lost my father to cancer and my father-in-law to complications from chemotherapy. And, today, I watched my husband begin his fight with this monster. Another hit.

The author of Lamentations also faced a time of distress. His words reflect how I felt this morning: “The thought of my suffering …is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time” (Lam. 3:19 & 20). I love that he did not sugar coat his feelings or try to hide them. He was brutally honest: “my suffering is bitter and I will never forget this”. He acknowledged that sometimes life just stinks. Sometimes the prayers are answered “no” – sometimes the hits keep on coming – sometimes the sorrow is overwhelming – sometimes it doesn’t rain, it pours. In those times, it’s ok to feel the sting and it’s ok to acknowledge the hurt. (Which I did for quite a while today.)

But, we don’t have to stay in that pain. As the author of Lamentations continues, “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness” (Lam. 3: 21 & 22). Daring to hope takes a conscious effort. It requires looking beyond the moment, seeing above the circumstance, and focusing instead on God’s mercies. Mercy that provided the way for healing and peace to occur between my dad and I. Mercy that opened the doors for my kids to spend time with their grandfather before he passed. Mercy that led Mike and I to an awesome group of doctors who are positive they can help Mike beat this cancer. Mercy that protected my mother -in-law as she traveled to be here with us this past week. Mercy that comforted and strengthened Mike as he sat through his first infusion.

So, I am choosing to center my shaky faith on looking for God’s mercies in the middle of this storm.

If you are praying with us, please pray that Mike will not experience any major side effects from the chemo. If you follow Mike on Instagram or Facebook, be sure to check out his posts today. His sense of humor was not dampened at all by what he went through. 🙂

Mike did not start chemo. One of the medications they want to use is a pill that must be ordered and delivered to our house. Today Mike had to agree to the treatment plan and sign all the forms. He will be on a 21 day cycle. Day one will be an IV chemo and 2 of the chemo pills. Days 2 – 14 will be only the chemo pills. Days 15 – 21 are “rest” days. The process will then repeat. After 2 or 3 cycles, a PET scan will be performed to see if the cancer is shrinking. He will begin as soon as the pills arrive.

We do not yet have the results of the HER2 test. We did get the results of the biopsy of his lymph node and it was positive for cancer. The oncologist said this means the spots on Mike’s liver are cancerous as well. I admit I was disappointed when I heard that since I had praying for the opposite. But, Psalms 112:7 came to mind: “They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.” For some reason, God has chosen not to act in the way I prayed He would. But, this does not mean He will not heal Mike. So, tomorrow I will head back out to circle the yard as I have for the past few weeks. I may be disappointed but I refuse to be discouraged.

Please pray that the molecular tests will show that the cancer is HER2 and PDL1 positive and that Mike will not have any side effects from the chemo.

Mike had the biopsy of the lymph node under his arm today. The oncologist has decided to start chemo on Monday. We should have the HER2 results by then and we may have the biopsy results as well. Treatment will change as needed as the remaining results come in. But the oncologist’s feeling is we need to get going attacking this so Mike’s symptoms do not get worse.

One of the first passages that came to Mike’s mind when he was diagnosed was James 1:2-4: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing”.

Endurance is important to our faith and will be important on this journey. We have been told that fighting cancer is a marathon not a sprint. I cannot say that I am viewing this trouble as an opportunity for “great joy”. It’s more like I’m being dragged, kicking and screaming, into something I don’t want to do. The thought of watching Mike go through chemo and regular scans, of waiting and wondering if the treatments are working, while trying to keep our family life as normal as possible is daunting. But, God has promised, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 4:10)

So, we begin the marathon on Monday. We take our first shaky steps towards developing endurance and a stronger faith.

I am sorry for the delay in posting how the trip to Hopkins went. It took some time to process. A little backstory: Mike had a conversation with Hopkins before our visit in which they indicated that they felt that everything (the esophagus, the lymph node, and the spots on the liver) were all cancer. They questioned why Hershey would be doing a biopsy. I had two prayer requests for our visit: 1. that, if Hershey was right, the lymph node would not be palpable and Hopkins would agree that the biopsy is needed and 2. that God would show us clearly which hospital is the right place for treatment.

I am happy to report that the lymph node was not palpable and Hopkins agrees that the next best step is a biopsy. We also left there with the decision that Hershey is the best place for Mike to go. We went to Hopkins with such high hopes because it’s Hopkins after all. But, the doctor’s bedside manner was depressing. Despite their research nature, they have no clinical trials or new treatments to offer. Quite honestly, the doctor seemed quite negative about the whole thing. She did not even tell us the chemo she would recommend. Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Hohl, at Hershey, has given us the good, the bad, and the ugly of this diagnosis. But, he has given us a very detailed treatment plan and the changes that could happen based on the results of the molecular testing. Mike felt much more optimistic in his conversations with Dr. Hohl and since Hopkins agreed with his plan we see no need to change.

The biopsy of the lymph node under Mike’s arm will occur on August 1. We will see Dr. Hohl again on August 5.

Yesterday, while I was praying I was led to Luke 11: 8 – 9. It is the end of story Jesus used to teach more about prayer. In the story, there are two friends. One needs a loaf of bread in the middle of the night and knocks on the door of the other friend to borrow some. The sleeping friend calls out that he does not want to be bothered. Jesus goes on and says, “But I tell you this- though he won’t do it for friendship’s sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence. And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you”.

If you are willing, friends, I ask you to join me in shameless persistence today by praying that the lymph node under Mike’s arm and the spots on his liver are not cancer and that the tumors in his esophagus are HER2 and PDL1 positive.

We have arrived at Johns Hopkins and will be here all day. Thankful for traveling mercies this morning.

One of the verses I have been praying on my prayer walks is Mark 11:24 “Whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.” Imagine my surprise when I opened my Bible app ( YouVersion) and saw that verse as the verse of the day!

Due to some technical difficulties with the CD of Mike’s PET scan, his biopsy will not happen this week. The radiologists are working on fixing it and we expect the biopsy to occur early next week. This means we will not have an appointment on Monday.

Many people, including Mike’s gastroenterologist, have told us that it is a good idea for patients who have been diagnosed with cancer to get a second opinion. We have taken their advice and are heading to Johns Hopkins on Wednesday, July 25, to see what treatment options they would recommend.

Please pray for Mike. As much of a roller coaster this is for me, it is much harder on him. He doesn’t show it and is really an amazing example of what faith looks like. But, I know that he feels like he is stuck in limbo and that it is weighing on his spirit.

Your support and prayers are greatly appreciated! Mike and I know that we are able to keep going with a positive attitude because we are being sustained by prayer.

Our visit with the oncologist on Monday offered us a little hope. There is a possibility Mike’s cancer has not spread and is localized to his esophagus. I want to grab ahold of that hope and to truly believe that God is working a miracle. But, my mind is flooded with questions: Is this an answer from the Lord? What if it isn’t? What if we are facing the same diagnosis next Monday that we were facing this Monday?

I am again face-to-face with my shaky faith. Over and over the Bible speaks of God’s strength. In Jeremiah 32:27 God Himself says: “I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?”  Even as I type those words, my mind is bombarded with every prayer God answered in ways different from what I prayed and every question I have about why “bad” things happen. I have doubt and fear where I want to have belief and strength.

The Bible tells us the story of a father who confronted his shaky faith in a face-to-face conversation with Jesus. The father’s son was tormented by an evil spirit that made him speechless and often seized him and threw him to the ground. (Mark 9:17 & 18). His desperate father brings the boy to Jesus to be healed. I can picture what the scene may have been like: The father desperate and unable to help the boy he loves, hears of the miraculous signs and wonders Jesus is doing. The hope that must have flooded his soul. I imagine he was filled with excitement at the thought of having his son set free. They would be able to talk to each other and his son would no longer be in pain. Oh, how I can relate to hope he must have felt.

So, the father gathers his son and heads out to where Jesus is. Upon arriving he asks Jesus’ disciples to help him and they fail. The hope that led him there was shaken. As Mark records when Jesus asks the father about the boy, the father tells him of the boy’s troubles and says: “But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us” (Mark 9:22) “If you can…” If I am completely honest, I am there. I don’t doubt God’s ability to heal – I doubt He will. OUCH! It hurts to say that out-loud – to acknowledge the struggle within.

But the story goes on:

 “’If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for the one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (verses 23 & 24).

The father acknowledged his shaky faith and asked the only one who could, to strengthen it. What a wonderful God we serve! He calls us to have faith but understands our weakness. In fact, He promises us that His power is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9).

So, today, I am following the example set by that father. I am asking Jesus to help me overcome my unbelief – one shaky step at a time.