Waiting

This holiday season has been quite a time of emotions for us. Mike had his PET scan on December 6 and it showed some improvement and some stability. The spots on his liver are gone! One spot on his esophagus improved while one stayed the same. His lymph nodes were slightly larger but the doctors are attributing that change to inflammation. We were slightly discouraged as we were praying for the cancer to be gone. The oncologists, on the other hand, were pleased and referred Mike to radiology. That visit turned out to be interesting.

The radiologist was clearly opposed to radiation at the beginning of the visit. The more she talked with Mike, the more she second-guessed her decision. She was worried about the toxicity level of radiating the remaining sites but was amazed at how well Mike is doing. Based on his scans, she did not expect to hear that he is able to eat or that he has gained back almost all the weight he lost at the beginning of this. She also commented several times on how healthy he looks. At the end of the session, she decided to consult with our oncologist and told us she would be in touch in 1 – 2 weeks.

Two days later she called to let us know someone from her team would be scheduling a follow-up appointment and that we should get in touch with our oncologist. At this point, Mike sees the oncologist on Jan. 6 to discuss the next chemo treatment he will undergo and he returns to the radiologist in March. We will know more on the 6th but it appears that they need to kill more of the cancer before radiation will be safe. While it is not bad news, it certainly feels like a setback.

In all honesty, after the overwhelmingly positive results in October, I was prepared to hear the cancer was all but gone. I was prepared for radiation and for the end of this ordeal to be getting closer. I was not prepared for the results we got. The oncologist said this is what happens — the impact of chemo eventually levels off. But, to me, it was another “no” to the prayers I have been praying. I would like to say I was not shaken by it; but, the fact that it has taken me so long to update this blog reveals the truth — I was.

I shook my hands at the sky and asked why. My prayers went back and forth between frustration and trust. And, some days, I was silent. The reality is there are times that the pain is so great that words just won’t come. It seems futile to continue to ask for the same thing over and over again when you keep hitting a wall. And, expressing trust in God’s plan is daunting when the plan includes so much pain.

In Matthew, the story of Jesus’ encounter with a centurion is recorded. The centurion’s servant is paralyzed and “suffering terribly” (Matt. 8: 6). As the centurion tells Jesus about the situation he says, “Just say the word, and my servant will be healed” (Matt. 8:8). After talking about the man’s faith, Jesus responds, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would” (Matt. 8:13). Just like that – the servant is healed. In Jeremiah, the Lord says of Himself, “I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is there anything too hard for me?” (Jer. 32:27) Throughout the passage, it is clear that the answer to this rhetorical question is “no”. All power on Heaven and Earth resides in the hands of our God.

The challenging part of faith is recognizing that God is capable of changing our circumstance with a word and trusting His heart when He does not. We have seen glimpses of God’s heart these past few weeks. An unsigned card with Giant gift cards showed up on my desk. Later the same week, an unsigned card with cash showed up in my mailbox at work. My students’ families know Mike has been sick but do not know he has cancer. They got together and gave us gift cards for Christmas. I have been reunited with family who have sent us words of blessing and financial gifts as well. Signs of the heart of God – reminders that He is walking with us – reminders “that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).

So, while Mike’s treatment is heading in a way different from what we prayed – while we are learning how to trust as we wait – we know that we are not alone. Your love and your prayers have sustained us and have shown God’s heart to us. We are blessed because of you and thank God continually for you.

Please join us in prayer for ZERO – zero side effects from this next chemo treatment and zero spots lighting up on the next PET scan.